Gay, Bi? Dafaq am I?

Let me begin this by saying, I’m gay. Confidently gay! I’ve always known this ever since I was a child, despite me never having a name for it other than knowing I’m “girly”. This was not what I called myself, I only knew this because schoolmates described me as such. 

Yea, I was girly. I played those hand clapping games, I could walk the walk, even knew some hip dance moves (Dip it Low by Christina Millian was a thing back then). I didn’t do the boyish things like cricket and Yu-Gi-Oh card games; seemed like too much sun or stupidity for me. I chilled with the girls in class, befriended a lot of them actually. Birds of a feather, eh? 

Come to think of it I did have a little boy crush that I disguised as my “best friend”. 

Around the age of 9 or 10,  these best friends were really becoming crushes, it was no longer “I am fond of you and like hanging out”, but I quickly started to see them as cute, and I mean CUTE. 

So there we go, by high school I knew I was attracted to guys and I experienced it by touching myself to gay porn. Society told me that homosexuality is wrong so I felt guilty. I tried to watch straight porn but found myself looking at the muscles, the dick and the balls instead of the vagina. It still wasn’t doing much for me. I switched to gay porn again. Then the guilt returned and the cycle continued. 

In second form, I developed another crush, a girl, but it wasn’t sexual. She was pretty, popular, and smart. I liked her. Again, society told me to be straight so I tried to fantasize about loving her romantically and sexually. Ugh. I am annoyed with myself: writing poems and swooning over her when I just wanted guys to bear hug me. 

Third form was a real struggle with my sexuality, due in  large part to religious reasons. God hates fags, I am naturally a fag, God hates me… naturally. One day I will tell you about how this little gay kid navigated through a Catholic High School and how I came to accept my religion and my sexuality.  

In fourth form, I said fuck it! I like guys. So, I messaged a guy I knew that teased the idea of “trying things out” and not long after I tasted my first dick. 

I started by journey as a gay guy. From High School, to University, to an LGBT organisation, and now the world! 

Now you would think I’m pretty sure about my sexuality at this point, right? 


Just like their driving, women can cause real confusion. 

I find myself attracted to women when I’m drunk. No joke! I wonder:

“is it the attraction of women, or the need for an experience”.

Then I’m like nah! Because it’s not ALL women. It’s a specific type. And there is a specific “thing” that I want to try. I have come to the realisation that my bi-curiosity is pretty much attracted to the female version of, well.. me.”

Bi-curiosity. This is real. 

Sexuality is really an odd thing. It doesn’t have to be but it can be. 

Everything in nature exists in diversity and complexity. Nothing is as simple as it seems. There are always variants and changes, diversity and combinations. 

Look at us, look at your arm right now. Every one of us have varying skin tones, skin colour, hair texture and under our skin our genetics too have variants. We are all human beings, but very different in our makeup. 

It is odd that we just think of sexuality to be one natural thing: STRAIGHTNESS (Heterosexuality). Society loves the argument that being anything other than straight is unnatural despite us seeing variants and diversity naturally. 

Homosexuality is natural, and if it is one side of a line (opposite to heterosexuality) then there are things that fall in-between them. All of which are variants, all of which are? NATURAL. 

You can be confident about your sexuality, as am I but still have an inkling of curiosity. You can also be confused about your sexuality because it isn’t a light bulb then comes on and off. It develops over time. And it can change as you mature (surprise, surprise!) You don’t even have to put a name to it, you can just feel it. 

Many adolescents feel the diversity of sexuality as they mature into sexual beings but society has taught them of only one “natural” way to be. This is why many of us are sexually frustrated, we do not feel sexual pleasure with our partners, we are confused about ourselves, we try to convince ourselves that we are not what we feel, this feeling we often reject, hide from or even hate.

The masses of society have never been in the best interest of an individual. Look at slavery and politics. 

You are you. Whoever you are, whoever you want to be. As long as you are not harming anyone, you are free to be yourself. 

Just as I did. Analyse who you are and what you feel. Don’t fight or hate whatever you discover.  

Fuck society! 

If you discover you’re straight: that is natural.
Gay, natural.
Bi-sexual (you are attracted to both men and women, even if it’s a certain type), natural.
Bi-curious (you know what you like but have a bit of curiosity to explore the other), natural.
Anything in between, NATURAL! 

In conclusion. I am a very gay, but bi-curious man when the circumstances permit. And I am NATURAL!

YOU can be whatever the fuck YOU want to be and love YOURSELF for it.

Written by Jairo R | Follow him on Instagram and Twitter at @JairoJuergen

Photo cred: Nicholas at Pexels

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Jairo Rodrigues is an award-winning human rights and social development programme coordinator. He specialises in social change projects and advocacy methodologies on gender relations, sexual and reproductive health and rights, comprehensive sexuality education, LGBT, and youth development.

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